suicide pacts and divorce papers

mama told me we are all spinning starfish
we are all breathing in those colored bubbles
we are all white and black and blue and yellow
god help the caucasians 'cause they sunburn worst of all

but she chokes on the word "god"
and the truth spills out like vomit

god is dead
he killed himself

he couldn't handle the responsibility of all the phone calls
3:57 AM mountain time
3:57 AM and seventeen seconds
seventeen
seventeen seconds
he especially hated all those fucking prime numbers
one
three
five
seven
eleven
thirteen
seventeen
nineteen
twenty-three
twenty-seven
twenty-nine

and every time he looked at his phone he saw the number of voicemails
so he threw his phone as far as he could into a lake
and it was so deep
and so blue
that he almost felt better

but he didn't

he thought of you
yeah, you
kept reminding you
that you were a character in a book he was writing
and you weren't the book
you were the CHARACTER
in a CHAPTER

he referred to the bible as one of his bestsellers
so you looked
but you didn't like his writing style
and you didn't think you were strong enough to be a good character
and JESUS WAS CRUCIFIED, for christ's sake

you didn't like his plans for character development
or how every story has to have a problem
goddamnit
and he was tired of telling you over
and over
and over again
and he didn't like writing anymore if he had to argue with his characters
and so he killed himself

and i should be sad
but i feel like it's the only time i've been able to relate with god

i wish i could tell you i've been doing well in college mom
i wish i could tell you i don't want to die anymore
and death and i aren't on speaking terms
but we argue quite frequently dad
and life and i are the estranged married couple
and i'm cheating on life with death
and she knows it

sometimes she makes me sleep on the couch
but she doesn't dare bring out the divorce papers
she makes me a pot of coffee when i walk in the door
and she kisses me on the cheek
but her heart's not in it

i ask her about the kids
and she asks me about the boss
but we don't tell each other shit
and we haven't slept together in months

so my wife, she goes to my mom for advice
prob'ly cryin' on the phone
too scared to mention the sex
and my mom invites me to lunch
she's a good woman
stages a fuckin' intervention, y'know
and this is where i hear about god killin' himself

and soon i'm screamin'

JUST BURY ME NAKED
PLANT MY BONES UNDER THE CONCRETE
I DON'T WANT A FUCKIN' HEADSTONE
WATCH 'EM GROW
WATCH 'EM GROW

you taste like we might get on

you taste like burnt tongues
sitting alone at a coffee shop
you taste like andy warhol made love to picasso
like that dirty chai you just finished drinking
you taste sleep deprived
and you added too many espresso shots

you taste like sin
like you have a weird fetish
like you've never read a word of the bible
because you were too busy watching porn on your laptop

you taste like home videos
you taste sad
you taste like i know you already
you taste broken

you taste like laundry soap
and deodorant stains on a black shirt
you taste like wednesdays
and 7:30 am
pack the kids' lunches
feed the kids breakfast
don't forget your coat henry

you taste like soup kitchens
you taste like my mother's eyes
you taste like rusty nails spilled onto the dirt
you taste like trouble

you taste like church
like you pray every night
and you swear as soon as the alarm goes off
you taste like you say the "f-word" a lot
you taste white like sacrament hymns
and messy like kids' coloring pages
you taste like confessions
and sweaty hands
and bloodshot eyes

you taste like i don't want to stop kissing you
you taste good
you taste real good

you taste like you pay attention in earth science
and you were pissed when you got a c on the exam
like you buy urban outfitters socks
and you read up on the company controversies

you taste like you're addicted to solitaire
and you sleep with your mouth shut
and something about that seems significant

you taste like you don't bruise easy
and you're not ticklish
but you taste like you wish you were
because you want an excuse to laugh more

you taste like you still buy cassette tapes
and you worry your mother
and you never downloaded snapchat
and a part of you wants her to be worried

you taste like long division
and lost love letters
and the guy that proved the universe is still expanding

you taste young
and hopeful
like you went through an awkward phase in fifth grade

you taste like i might fall in love with you
and i should probably ask for your number

crime scene

 

 

bloody hearts bleed bloody heart blood
bloody hearts bleed bloody heart blood
BLOODY HEARTS BLEED BLOODY HEART BLOOD

can they arrest someone for eyes that don't answer back?
can they arrest someone for heavy footsteps?
or a voice as soft as water?

i can't sew this hair back on my head
or drink this blood back to my heart.

i can't kiss the blues out of the bruises
or seduce my skin into joining her lover again.

i've never heard my bones so loud
as when you pushed and pushed
and the word "no" didn't seem to be necessary
but it was cast away like the semi-colon
which we never seem to use anymore
forgotten like the dust above the baseboards
yesterday's small talk in the corner.

don't put baby in the corner.

my bones said, "NO"
my bones said, "STOP"
my bones said, "PLEASE"
in english
german
and french

and i'm sure the neighbors heard

but you didn't.

you did this to me.
you broke me.

i'm your then-fiancé knocked out cold in the elevator
the cold look in your eyes
and the cold way your hands pulled me out

people give me one word to describe you
and i start with cold
but i keep going

you're beautiful
you're so beautiful
god breathed life into you
and got so worked up
he forgot how to count, love

but the skies will bleed
the ashes will color our lungs black
and stop our breaths
doing the dirty work for the devil
and the ashes will still love the devil
and i will still love you.

you can shoot me dead with your daddy's pistol
you can bag the flowers from the garden
and plant my heart instead
and the worms will eat my heart
and i will still be in love with you.

the world could flood with rainwater
and the whales could swallow us whole
and jonah will get the bible story
and i will still be in love with you.

it doesn't matter what sleazy motel bed i'm sleeping in
or what whore is sleeping in your sleazy motel bed
it doesn't matter what check i'm writing
what movies are playing
or who forgot to take out the trash last night
romeo and juliet will still be a tragic love story
and i will still be in love with you.

even if your cold heart doesn't know it.

tara you missed a few (types of kisses)

kill me kisses
hurt me kisses
fuck me kisses
fuck you kisses
quiet kisses
loud kisses
church kisses
disney kisses
prince charming kisses
break the spell kisses
2AM kisses
3AM kisses

lovesong kisses
nobody's home kisses
catch me kisses
caught me kisses
front porch kisses
kitchen counter kisses
spiderman kisses
butterfly kisses
underwater kisses
hungry kisses
sweaty kisses
salty kisses
sugary kisses

broken sprinkler kisses
broken marriage kisses
violent kisses
bloody lip kisses
they're watching kisses
don't leave me kisses
lonely kisses
yes kisses
no kisses
true aggie kisses

clean sheets kisses
dirty sheets kisses
car playlist kisses
cardboard kisses
ashtray kisses
storytelling kisses
apologetic kisses
forgiving kisses
you're wrong kisses
thankful kisses
lights out kisses
lights on kisses
electric kisses
naughty kisses
porno kisses

damned kisses
rip me apart kisses
fragile kisses
china doll kisses
tip toe kisses
slow dance kisses
football field kisses

back seat kisses
don't tell your mother kisses
leave your shoes on kisses
take your shoes off kisses
sandpaper kisses
wet kisses
shitty kisses
regretful kisses
manipulative kisses
i want your $ kisses
endure to the end kisses
hood of your car kisses
hood of their car kisses
caught in the headlights kisses

kiss me
kiss you
kiss him
kiss her
kiss them
kiss us
kiss kiss kiss

this is the part

this is the part of me that needs medication
the part of me that sees handprints as god's missed calls
and my heart as another thing god got wrong

this is the part of me that never picked up the phone
because i was ashamed
and words were a noose around my neck
and memories were stained on my sheets
like blood

this is the part of me that sings
but not on my birthday
and talks to your bones instead of your brain
because hard hears truth better than soft

this is the part of me that counts calories as sin
and woke up in a hospital
and cried because i lived

this is the part of me that shaved my head
and doesn't shave my legs
the same nightmare that slips in every night
like a whore into my bed
and i can't forgive my father

this is the part of me that sees his fist on every hand
the part of me that likes boys
the part of me that likes girls
the part that hears god
but can't find his voice
and my ears are ringing

this is the part of me that lies
and disappoints my therapist
the part of me that tells the truth
and disappoints my mother

this is this part of me
that part of me
this part of me
that part of me

please don't take my body
it's just going to disappoint you

sin's nothing but another grass stain
and he's just another middle finger on the shelving
and he's the beating chest under the floorboards
and he's another skeleton in the closet
and he's a string tied around my finger
and he reminds me of six times ten

this is the part of me that can't light a candle
without the want eating up my sides

falling down the stairs was another stamp added to the collection
and he licked the envelope just to end the chapter
but no matter how many pills she swallowed she couldn't end the book

and his face was just another melting on the sidewalk
so she cut herself just to watch herself bleed

one drop two drops three drops
one drop two drops three drops
one drop two drops three drops

and you watched her like she was an emo barbie

she fucks
and she watches porn
she fucks
and she watches porn
and she watches
and she watches porn

and she wonders sometimes if she's going to hell

be nice to her
she slept in her car last night
be nice to her
her legs are stained with blue
and her fists told the story
be nice to her
her heart doesn't beat the same anymore
be nice to her
she can't hear her bones
be nice to her
she hates herself enough
be nice to her
be nice to her
be nice to her

she missed her medication this morning

hair

she cut her hair.

she dropped the dishes one by one
and she heard the music of the floorboards
and she screamed to know she was heard too
and

she cut her hair.

she posted depressing statuses to facebook
and she didn't wear any color anymore
but her whole body read blue blue blue
and

she cut her hair.

she sat in the 800 hall for lunch
and there were rumors she'd been sent away
but if you asked her, she'd tell you herself
and

she cut her hair.

her hair was cut.

she cut it.

she breathed it in
and it filled her stomach
better than cotton.

and you saw
but you didn't see

and you smiled
without your eyes

and she noticed.
before you did.

you saw the headline
but you didn't read the paper

you saw the notification
but you didn't check your voicemail

you saw the movie
but you didn't read the book

you listened to the song
but you didn't hear the lyrics

you saw hair.
you saw it.

sometimes the monsters under our bed sit us down for heart-to-hearts

sometimes i wonder if we sing songs because we're afraid
or because we're not afraid
or if we sing songs to put the birds to sleep

once you left
i read
and read
and reread
wanting the pages to fill me
the way you did

there are a thousand paper days
hands are too far away for holding
and the playing cards can't be shuffled any easier
than your broken-hearted love

this is for the june we didn't eat enough
and the lip service that makes your jaw ache
and the music that is too loud for coffee shops

the walls are white
and the world is hopeless

sometimes scarves look like nooses
and fists are made for skin
the big bad wolf is at your door
and you decide to let him in

the bible has torn pages
and your bed is left unmade
three months broke your heart
and it's her you couldn't save

you're too tired to fall asleep
and the world is hopeless

the list is getting longer
and the pantry has stale bread
your head is getting heavy
as you remember what they said

i'm shutting all the windows
and keeping out the light
i'm not answering my phone
i've given up the fight

your heart is broken by a girl
and the world is hopeless

i'm stitching my feet to the carpet
there's a lead weight on my tongue
my heart's a cold ocean
but the knots are left undone

the walls are white
and the world is hopeless

the walls are white
and the world is hopeless