eleven

call me useless
call me desperate
call me yesterday

but i want to talk about eleven years old.

before thirteen there was twelve
before twelve there was eleven
and she ran away at eleven

eleven came with emily morrin and shaved armpits
eleven came with doctors and diet coke

i read the sex scenes over
and over again
and i touched myself
not knowing it was "bad"

i read "the care and keeping of you" at night with a flashlight
because i didn't want my mom to know that i worried about pubic hair
i stole the body issue of a popular women's magazine
and i asked my mom for a training bra

i shaved my legs
even though my mom said it was too soon
and all i remember is the red running down my leg
like rain down the windows of a car
and i tried to stop it with my finger

eleven wasn't angry
eleven wasn't defiant
or opinionated
she wasn't elegant

but eleven was soft
she was wet grass
green turtlenecks
and little white lies

she was the edge of innocence
she held her mother's hand in maturation
even though she didn't learn shit

eleven was bold
and new
she rolled the "f-word" around her tongue
like hard candy
and practiced it over
and over again in her bedroom
where no one could hear

eleven was my cousin repenting for her fuckin' middle finger
telling me about "fuck you"
"fuck him"
"fuck her"
"'fuck them"
and i laughed out loud
because i didn't know what intentions could do to your tallest finger
making him more headstrong than your head ever was

i still played with dolls at eleven
and sometimes it was innocent
and sometimes it wasn't
and the sound effects were pretty realistic for a virgin kid director

i hit myself a lot back then
"wait til you have the house to yourself, lexi"
"don't get caught, lexi"
"you're such a FREAK, lexi"
would go take daddy's belt from the bedroom
'cause i didn't know how else to make the shame go away
"lexi, you are bad"
"you are a bad girl"
"you make so many mistakes"
"no one likes you"
"you are annoying"
"you are nothing"

and then i'd put on my pretty girl smile
happy girl smile
eleven year old smile
things are all right smile
things are great smile
answering all the questions right at the dinner table
and go work on my straight fuckin' a's
and i'd go to soccer
and i'd still feel like shit

eleven was new
eleven was bold
but in the end, i still felt like shit.