and we are all cutting the hate out of our heels
and we are are all walking around dead parking lots
holding pepper spray more tightly than we ever did our lover
as if he can save us from our friends' brothers.
we are all drinking our coffee too sweet
because we take our truths without sugar
and we are all trying to scare ourselves in the movie theater
because we don't want to be scared
when we walk back through the dead parking lots to reality.
Who's scared of obscurity? Who's scared of lifelines and deadlines? Who reads obituaries? Did you kiss your grandma's morgue red lips? We're all just holding our breath. We're all just counting down the days until we fall between the cracks.
we are all smiling until our cheeks hurt,
sickly sweet syrup dripping down our chins,
sticky melting due to heat,
exaggerated clown smile on repeat.
Help me pull the bullets out of my fingertips because every time they press against my thighs, hate is heard louder than any gunshot. I thought the big bang was just an expression, but there's a universe expanding under my skin and all this pressure is pushing the blood to the surface.
I'm still wearing my rich-girl body, white-girl body, privileged-girl body. Can't forget to put on my pretty-girl body. I've still got my strawberry shortcake smile with extra sugar, still got my universe building deep in my bones. One day it will break me into arms and legs, and the blood will pool at my feet. The lip gloss will sit with the gore and I will stitch my teeth in to my gums and ears back to my head, but the dust will settle.
My nightly prayer's an incantation: God, please let me hate myself a little bit less. Please let me hate myself a little bit less.
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